


Drawing Stars Around My Scars

by pandorabox82



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27526807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Alex isn't quite prepared for the secrets that Erin finally feels ready to let her know during an early morning talk.
Relationships: Alex Blake/Erin Strauss
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Drawing Stars Around My Scars

Alex stretched as she woke up from a deep sleep. Glancing down, she saw that Erin was still asleep, curled up close to her. It only took a few moments before her arm tightened around Alex's waist once more, a low groan slipping from her lips as she frowned. While she wanted Erin to fall back into sleep, she also knew that she had to pee, so she leaned over and kissed Erin's forehead before gently lifting her arm and slipping from beneath it. Hurriedly, she padded into the bathroom and took care of her needs before washing her hands and returning back to her partner.

She chuckled and shook her head when she saw that in the short time that she had been gone, Erin had flopped onto her side of the bed, her head buried in Alex's pillow as she lightly snored. It was an endearing sound, especially since Alex had thought that she might never hear it again. Looking down at the infinity scar that marred her wrist, she climbed back into bed and curled around Erin's body, content to play the big spoon for a little while, allowing Erin to get more sleep. Alex wasn't surprised when her partner contorted her body so that she could scoot back against Alex's body, trying to get in closer contact with her as she continued to sleep.

Alex slipped her hand beneath Erin's pyjama top so that she could splay it out on her torso, letting her fingers draw abstract little figures as she started to breathe in sync with Erin. A frustrated groan tumbled from Erin's lips and again, she turned, this time towards Alex, her eyes blinking open as she frowned into her face. "I was having a beautiful dream of the beautiful ghosts of our past," Erin mumbled as she leaned in and kissed Alex gently.

"Those are the best dreams to have," she replied as Erin sighed, cuddling close to her as she pulled the covers up over her head, just hitting the bottom of Alex's chin. "You can't hide away from the day, darling."

"No, but I can pretend that my loving partner is willing to allow me to have a few extra moments of peace as I try to deal with the fact that another morning has come much too soon for my liking. You would think, after eight years of living together, I would be used to the fact that you like getting up at five in the morning, even when you don't have to worry about a commute, since it's summer."

"I can't help that my body is on a cycle, Erin," she replied with a laugh as she pushed the sheet down a little, wanting to be able to look into her eyes. "And every morning that we get to wake up like this is a blessing. You know that as well as I do."

Erin nodded as a small yawn split her lips. "This is a talking morning, isn't it?"

"I think so." Her partner sighed as she reached up and caressed her cheek lightly as she kissed her once more. "What's on your mind?"

"Sleep?" Alex rolled her eyes a little as she picked up Erin's wrist and brought it to her lips, kissing the infinity scar that was also on her wrist. "I still kick myself for allowing you to come up to my room that night. If you had gone back to the precinct, so much heartache could have been avoided. And I know, you'll counter with the fact that I would probably be dead if you had followed my orders, but you wouldn't have lost so much."

Even though it had been eight years since John had tried to kill both of them, this was the most that Erin had opened up to her, and she pursed her lips a little as she thought of how best to continue this conversation that they had been dancing around for so long. "For everything that I lost, I gained more in my relationship with you."

Erin snorted a little as she shook her head before moving closer to Alex, hiding her face from view, as if she didn't want her to see her face as she spoke. "In my selfishness, I allowed you to lose your husband. I had no idea that John had already thought of so many contingency plans, depending on when and where he found me, or that you and your loved ones would be dragged into it. At least your father and brother were safe in Missouri. James, though…"

"Was murdered by John Curtis, and you had nothing to do with that. I wish that you had told me you were carrying this guilt for so long, darling."

"How could I tell you when you followed me into the depths of Hell and stood by my side as I recovered, even while you were grieving the loss of your husband? How could I burden you with my guilt and grief when you helped meld together the shattered pieces of my soul when David decided that I was too much, that he couldn't get used to the new me. I didn't think that she was any different from the old me, but he did, and he found me lacking. I honestly felt like I was a discarded cardigan that gets kicked under the bed and forgotten about for months, if not years. And then you drew me out of my sorrow and refused to allow me to disappear into alcohol, even though I desperately wanted to look down the neck of a bottle and never come back up."

Alex felt her breath sucked out of her lungs at the admission, tears clouding her eyes as she began to run her hand up and down Erin's back, trying to think of something to say that would soothe her heart once more. "Erin, why have you kept this inside for so long?"

"Because I was certain that you would leave me if I let you in. David did, you know that. And even though I love you with all my heart and being, my mind just whispered that if you knew the true depth of blackness inside my soul, you, too, would find me to be too much, and I would truly be alone." Alex could hear the exact moment when Erin's voice broke, and she pulled her tight to her chest as she buried her face in Erin's hair, breathing in deeply in an effort to keep from breaking down fully herself, knowing that Erin needed her to be strong in that moment.

"Then I failed you." Erin shook her head vehemently as she pressed a few sloppy kisses against Alex's neck. "I did. Because if I had been better at drawing stars around your scars instead of trying to cover them up, maybe you would have felt better able to tell me the depths of sorrow that you were drowning in. Can you forgive me for my faithless love?"

Erin pulled away from Alex to look into her eyes, reaching out to brush away some of the tears that were on her cheeks. She wanted to nuzzle her face into Erin's sweet touches, but there was something holding her back, as if she didn't want to break the tender bubble that was quickly forming between them the longer they stared at each other. "You never failed me, my sweetest love. The stars that you drew on my heart were more than enough to start covering my scars. Because these marks on our wrists? Pale in comparison to what John carved into my heart." She drew in a shaky breath before leaning in and kissing Alex deeply. "But you never wavered in your sweetest devotion to me. Even when you did think that I was going to be with David forever. You were the devoted friend that I needed so badly and now we're the people we wanted to be when we were in the Academy."

Alex nodded, her eyes still filled with tears. "I knew that you would need someone by your side, as a friend, as you struggled to return to the job. And I think you would have made the transition back to being the Section Chief if JJ hadn't been kidnapped."

"I had so many secrets locked away in my heart, Alex. I didn't think that that particular one would ever come back, though. And I am so glad that she and Matteo were rescued with no lingering after effects. But I couldn't deal with that any longer. It was my third failure in as many years, and I couldn't handle it. Everything just crashed down around me."

"And I helped you to start rebuilding your life." Erin nodded before kissing Alex once more. "I think that was when I knew I was falling back in love with you. I wouldn't have acted on those feelings, but then Dave allowed everything to crumble to dust between the two of you, and as I helped you pick up the pieces, I allowed my feeling to deepen and color how I viewed you once more. I didn't want to make you feel like you had to be with me, but…"

"But then Spencer nearly died, and you had to escape, just like I had to escape, and things just sort of fell into place." Alex nodded as she cupped her face with one hand, tapping Erin's cheekbone lightly with her thumb. She wanted to kiss her, to taste her, once more, but again, there was something holding her back. Then Erin sighed gently as she leaned her head until their foreheads were touching, and Alex could hear every breath that she took, even as she felt them wash across her skin. "Things have fallen into place too often for me to believe that we were not supposed to finally reach this place in our lives. I want to get married."

"Erin?"

Her partner let out a deep sigh as she slid her hand up and down Alex's side, as if she was trying to gather up her courage, and Alex softened her face into a gentle smile as she nodded a little, trying to seem encouraging. "We're not getting any younger, and there is a part of me that is absolutely terrified that if we don't have the legal protections afforded married people that if something should happen to me as a result of lingering side effects of what John's little MDMA cocktail did to me, that you won't be able to make decisions for me, or be able to see me, or take care of our estate. I know that we have legal documents that state we are each other's power of attorney, and it's all laid out in our wills, but I still worry."

"How long have you had this worry on your heart?" she whispered.

"For about two years now. It just seems to have bubbled up to the surface now. Since we're talking, and being honest with each other. I know, we probably should have been having these conversations throughout the course of our relationship, but my mind told me to keep it from you. I've never been good at talking about my feelings, and that hasn't changed, even when you 've pulled out truths from me that I was loathe to let you know. It would have been easier to be open and free with you, if John hadn't happened. I truly felt like we were naturally reaching that place when we went to New York and were talking all the way up to my hotel room."

Alex let out a long breath as she nodded. "Well, I guess that I'll just have to start gently pulling the secrets from your lips, then, won't I?" Erin nodded. "May I say something that you might find a little hurtful?"

"Yes."

"When we're younger, we think that we know everything, that we're invincible. Remember? We used to wear those sky high heels everywhere, even when our parents said that we'd break our necks in them. And while I left them behind for more sensible footwear, you never did."

Erin let out a watery laugh as she shook her head. "I did wear sensible shoes for one case, the bank bombing. I knew that I had to wear jeans, and deal with the mobile command unit, and it wasn't sensible to be in heels."

"Oh, so you can give an inch," Alex teased as she tugged on a hank of Erin's hair. Erin blushed a little as she dipped her chin lightly.

"That was one of the things that I learned I could change, yes. I, oh, this is going to sound crazy, but…I knew that you would come back to me. I don't know how, but I knew that somehow, we would end up together. Even if it was as friends. The one thing I clung to, while we were being held captive in that house, was that we were together, and if I was going to die, at least I would be with you." They drew in tandem, shaky, breaths before Erin gave her a tender kiss. "If I hadn't been tied to that damn chair, I would have clawed and bit my way to save James. He did that in front of us both, because he knew it would destroy us both, in different ways."

"John was a sadistic bastard who held a grudge far deeper than mine. While I hated what you did, I could never hate you. He hated us both, though, and that only grew when I rejoined the BAU. You never told me, were you responsible for that?"

"Yes. I figured, since you weren't returning my letters, that I could make amends with a grander gesture. And I knew that you had always been an amazing agent, and could fill Emily's shoes quite well. And just like Jennifer's kidnapping broke me, Spencer's shooting broke you. You would have retired from the Bureau, rather than leave quietly so that no one would notice."

"Hotch knew, I texted him on the flight home from that case. He didn't even try to stop me."

Erin nodded. "That doesn't surprise me. He was always so good at knowing when to cajole and when to let go. Even if that cajoling is frog marching someone off to rehab because he knew they were better than that and still needed in the Bureau."

"He was good at that. The Bureau lost a true asset when he disappeared into the Program." Erin dipped her chin again in agreement and then they were kissing once more. Alex sighed against Erin's lips before deepening the kiss and sliding her hand beneath the sweater that Erin had worn to bed, cupping her breast and brushing her thumb against her nipple as she turned her partner onto her back. "It occurs to me that I never answered your question," she said breathlessly after she'd broken their kiss, staring down into Erin's lust filled eyes.

"I hope that your answer is yes."

"It is. But not for the practical reasons that you laid out so succinctly. I want to marry you because I love you, and that love is deeper than any practical truth of why we need to join our lives legally. You've made me a romantic, Erin."

They burst into a fit of giggles, and then Alex was leaning down once more to kiss Erin deeply, unsurprised when her lover contorted their bodies so that she was on her back, looking up at Erin. "And you've allowed me to be softer, too. David stared that process in me, but I feel like I've truly blossomed with you. You make me feel beautiful." Leaning in, Erin kissed her deeply, her fingers nimbly undoing the buttons that held her shirt closed before dragging her lips downwards until she was kissing and nuzzling her breasts. "I hope that I make you feel beautiful."

"When I see myself through your eyes, I do feel beautiful." She grabbed the hem of Erin's sweater and drew it up and off her body before pulling her down atop her. "I don't think that I could ever not feel beautiful because of you."

"Even when we fight?"

"Especially because we fight." Alex caressed the pale skin of Erin's back as they sighed in tandem. "Because when we fight, there's a ferocity to you that you don't allow out any other time, and I just want to ravish you at the sight of it."

Erin laughed as she kissed the side of Alex's neck. "I wondered why our fights always ended in great sex. And why you are always the one to initiate it. There are times when your other half might like to be the one to pounce."

"I'll try to keep that in mind the next time we have a row." Erin nodded against her shoulder before skimming her hand down Alex's torso to slip beneath her panties and cup her vulva, the feather light touches causing her to shift her hips restlessly. "Erin?"

"I think I need to show my gratitude to you, for putting up with me for all these years and not tossing me aside like an unwanted cardigan. Don't you think?" Alex nodded and let out a soft mewl as Erin once more began to kiss and caress her body, her hands tenderly pulling Alex's panties down her thighs and off her legs before fitting herself between them and teasing her with the softest of touches, causing Alex to arch up against her, trying to get her to pay more attention to her body and what she wanted. Looking up, Erin gave her a heated look before taking firm hold of her hips and holding her in place as she leaned in and began to eat her out. Alex knew that she was keeping her touches deliberately light in order to further enflame her, and she found that she couldn't hold in her cries and groans of pleasure as her partner drove her onwards towards her orgasm. She fisted the fitted sheet in her hands as she felt herself reach that sweet pinnacle of pleasure, a long, low, groan tumbling out of her lips as she threw her head back against the pillow, feeling Erin continue to eat her out, drawing the orgasm out for as long as she could. It didn't surprise Alex that she soon felt another orgasm wash over her, and then Erin was finally sliding back up her body, holding her close as she fitted one leg between hers.

Alex couldn't help the way that she ground her hips against Erin's leg, and let out a breathy chuckle when she felt Erin copy the movement. That laugh soon turned into another moan, echoed by Erin, and they ramped themselves up to the precipice once more, their lips meeting in a frenzied kiss as they reached their orgasm together. "And now, I really don't want to get out of bed," she finally said, finding her voice coming out thinner than she would have liked. Clearing her throat, she looked down into Erin's eyes, seeing that she was crying again, and frowned. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, these are happy tears, Alex. For the first time in close to a decade, I feel so light, so free. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to finally open up to you, but I love you all the more for not pushing me to open up before I was ready. Because if we had had this discussion before I was ready, I don't think that I would have been able to say everything in my heart."

Alex nodded as she began to stroke Erin's hair lightly. "I'm just glad that you finally felt safe enough to tell me. And I will always draw stars around your scars, because you need to be reminded of the beauty in surviving." Reaching down, she picked up Erin's arm and brought the wrist to her lips, kissing the infinity scar delicately before using the tip of her tongue to draw said star there. "I love you, Erin, and love that walks away when the going gets tough is not one ready to stand through the tests of time." Erin nodded as she gave Alex a happy smile. In that moment, Alex could see that her burden had indeed lifted a little, and she smiled with pleasure as she kissed her once more. "Let's head down for breakfast, and then we'll see about what to do with the rest of our day. We can't laze the day away in bed, no matter how much I would love to do that." Erin rolled her eyes a little as she slipped out of bed and grabbed her sweater, pulling it back on before motioning towards the door with her head. Alex grinned as she followed after her, humming lightly as she followed after her lover, eager to start a new day with her.


End file.
